For the first time Christmas did not feel magical. I did not wake up with the feeling that Santa had come, and I did not lie awake on Christmas Eve in excitement. I’m 16 goddamnit and I guess a lot of people have already experienced this. I don’t know, maybe they haven’t. I’d bet a lot of people went through this when they learned Santa wasn’t real. But I didn’t . Christmas used to be pristine. You’d wake up early Christmas morning and with your brother, and later your sister, you’d sift through all those presents under the tree trying to see which were yours. There’d be snow on the ground outside. Grandma wasn’t really old yet, she wasn’t starting to go. You’re feet felt warm in their fuzzy socks. You didn’t know what you were gonna get. You’d waited all year for this and the anticipation was killing you. That’s how it used to feel. This year it was as good as any old birthday, it was just a day to open presents. It didn’t feel good.